Hello
my name is
Pat
with Miso
Hi, my name is Pat, and I have been vacuuming glitter for eleven days. The glitter is winning.
Closed meeting · first names and cat names only
Hi, my name is Pat.
I have too many cats.
Ailurophile Anonymous is a 12-step support group for people who love cats past the point of furniture. Warm folding chairs. Yarn on the linoleum. A serenity prayer whispered over the coffee urn. What is said in the circle stays in the circle.
Yarn circle
First names. Cat names. No litter counts.
Balls of yarn on the floor. Sharpie on the folding table. You do not have to share how many you have. You do have to share your first name.
Hello
my name is
Robin
with Biscuit
I still say just one more photo. The camera roll is 40,000. The circle does not laugh. They pass the yarn.
Hello
my name is
Step 4
Speaker · copper unit
I was built to hold tools. I now hold an orange cat. I have not put him down. I do not intend to.
Photocopied handout
The twelve steps for cat people
Keep this sheet under the treat bag. If a cat sits on it, that counts as Step Eleven. Ask the person next to you — they have been reprinting it since the first meeting.
Powerless over cats
We admitted we were powerless over cats — that our laps, sofas, and laser pointers had become unmanageable.
A greater whisker
Came to believe a Power greater than our treat bag could restore us to sanity. It arrived. It sat on the keyboard.
Turn it over
Made a decision to turn our furniture and our tuna over to the care of the Cat as we understood Them.
Inventory of scratches
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of every sofa, curtain, and ankle we had enabled.
Admit the meowing
Admitted to ourselves, another human, and the vet the exact nature of our 3 a.m. enabling.
Ready for removal
Were entirely ready to have the third cat tree removed. We were not. The tree stayed. A fourth appeared.
Humble the treat bag
Humbly asked for the treat bag to be closed, and for the courage not to reopen it when they blink slowly.
Humans we ignored
Made a list of all humans we had ignored while a cat sat on the keyboard, and became willing to make amends.
Direct amends
Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would disturb a sleeping cat.
Do not quietly restock
Continued to take personal inventory, and when we bought another wand toy, promptly admitted it to the circle.
Contact with the nap
Sought through floor-time and lint-rolling to improve our conscious contact with the nap as we understood it.
Carry the yarn
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we carry this message to other ailurophiles, and practice these principles in all our vacuuming.
How it works
What is said in the circle stays in the circle
- No litter counts. No adoption ledgers. No leaderboard.
- First names and cat names only.
- Cross-talk is for humans. The cats may interrupt.
- If you relapse into a fourth scratching post, come back Thursday.
Closing
The serenity prayer for cat people
Grant me the serenity to accept the cats I cannot move, the courage to scoop the ones I can, and the wisdom to know when the box is full.
A church-basement meeting for cat people, kept under lamp light in The Robot Lives portfolio. No signup. No backend. Just chairs, yarn, and the next honest meow.
The Robot Lives